8 Strategies for Couples
Simple Secrets to a Happy Marriage
Eight key strategies to have your marriage THRIVE!
Happily Ever After is for fairly tales. The reality is that fewer than half of married couples reach their 15th anniversary together. How can you maximize the likelihood that your marriage is happy and successful?
The secret to a successful marriage is being thoughtful on a daily basis about your contribution to the relationship. Just as growing a beautiful garden requires weeding, trimming and feeding, so does creating a successful marriage. The strategies below will help you make your relationship stronger than any fairy tale.
Happy
marriage secret #8: Think about how you begin an argument.
Did you know that research has shown the outcome of an
argument can be predicted within 30 seconds of its start? When you
are upset about something your partner has done or said it is very
tempting to get even.
Instead, resolve yourself to stop the cycle of hurt and anger by approaching the discussion in a soft manner. It may not be easy at first, but you’ll be amazed at the results you can produce following this simple strategy.
Happy
marriage secret #7: When something isn’t working, attempt repairs.
When you do have an argument, as every couple does, find ways to
show you still care. Even during the argument, place your hand on
his leg. Apologize if you messed up.
Attempting to repair the relationship as you have the disagreement reminds each of you that you hold your relationship in high regard. It shows you want to care for it, even when you disagree.
Happy
marriage secret #6: You don’t know
everything about your
partner…thankfully!
It’s easy to fall into the belief that you know everything there
is to know about your partner. After all, you’ve been together so
long, been through so much together, you’re experts on each other!
To maintain a growing relationship, remind yourself that you always have more to learn. Don’t assume she won’t want to do that, or that he’ll never change. Look for the things you didn’t know. Ask questions that help your knowledge grow. Become a scholar, not an expert.
Happy
marriage secret #5: Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and your
relationship.
When I say forgiveness, I mean
really forgiving. Not
saying you forgive in that tone (you know what I mean) and holding a
grudge. Saying you forgive but holding on to your anger plants the
seeds of resentment. The weeds that grow from those seeds will choke
the garden of all its beauty.
Forgiveness means choosing to stop the cycle of hurt started by the actions of others. Letting go is a conscious act that frees you from the hurt and pain and allows your relationship to grow.
Happy
marriage secret #4: What have you done for your partner lately?
In a relationship, it is useful to think of yourselves as having
“emotional bank accounts” with each other. When you hurt your
partner or let them down, you’ve made a withdrawal. Do that too
frequently without making deposits, and your account will be
overdrawn.
Daily, conscious, mindful acts, even small
ones, contribute huge amounts to your emotional bank accounts. Thank
him for bringing in the mail. Call her by the pet name you have for
her. Tell him you appreciated when he called your mother on her
birthday.
These are small things, but when done often have payoffs all out of proportion to how easy they are to do. What small things have you done lately for your partner?
Happy
marriage secret #3: Believe it or not, your spouse might actually
have good ideas!
The two of you are on the same team, but you may have different
ideas on how to play the game. It’s common to get caught up in
trying to convince your spouse to see or do things your way.
Instead, listen to your partner’s ideas and take them into
consideration. You might be surprised at how your marriage wins when
you give up being right.
Happy
marriage secret #2: Make time for the relationship.
Sitting on the couch next to each other watching TV doesn’t
count! Even if it’s only 15 minutes, make that your uninterrupted
“together time” each night. Put your feet up on his lap while
chatting in the living room. Take the time to reconnect.
Make sure the kids have something to entertain themselves with and be firm about not being interrupted. Taking time for the relationship doesn’t always have to be an elaborate date night, although that helps too!
Happy
marriage secret #1: As soon as trouble starts, talk with an unbiased
third party, like a friend, clergy person or therapist.
Most couples wait an average of six years after problems arise
before seeking help for their relationship. SIX YEARS! Imagine your
doctor diagnosed you with cancer and you waited six years before
seeking treatment. The results would not be pretty.
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For more information on how to put these strategies into action
in your relationship, call me. I'm looking forward to helping you
make your marriage THRIVE!
Risa Davis-Ganel, LCMFT
443-865-0298
risaganel@hotmail.com